I have so many feelings suppressed inside me, its hard for me to say everything out.. I dont even know who i can actually talk to..
These few weeks have been rather tough for me, cus i made a decision that has a huge impact in my life, even up till now. I broke up with the guy whom i love the most, in my whole 21 years of life.
I still remember when we first got together, i thought i was dreaming, idk why i would have feelings for him, i guess it just slowly progressed from friends to lovers. And the 355 days that we've been together, is the happiest period of my life. I gave up a friendship for him, i gave up my guy friends ('cept for a few which he approves), i gave up clubbing and even drinking (unless he's arnd), all these i don't mind, cus he's the one i want. And for the past 200plus days that we've been living together, i don't regret at all.
Although i complain at times that he's a brat, and needs people to serve him, the fact is that i dont mind at all, cus i love him, and i wanna see him happy. I dont mind cooking for him, at any time of the day, as long as he's happy and satisfied, im happy. I love waking up knowing that he's just beside me, i love hugging him to sleep. I love cuddling him, i love his smell. I always smell him, which he thinks is ridiculous, but being able to smell his scent, im satisfied. Thats how much i love him.
And thats why i did the decision to break up with him. Its not that i dont love him, cus i love him way too much. But after at least 8 months of living together 24/7, i just couldnt take the fact that he's leaving me for brunei already. It just broke my heart. And even though we talked about the future, but it just sounds so distant and unpromising. And i just want him to be happy wherever he goes.
Even though we've broken up, but we're still good friends, we text and talk to each other on phone or msn at times. We meet up for dinner, or i cook for him. The love's still there for both of us, but its just not possible to get back now.. Especially not when i've lost our baby. I'm not going to elaborate more about our baby, those people who are supposed to know about it already knows about it, thats enough for me.
I dont blame him for it, i still love him alot, its actually him who pulled me through everything. Maybe in the future we might get back together, who knows, but for now, its impossible. Though im pretty sure i'll love him, forever. He'll always be in my heart.
These few weeks have been hell for me, my body clock all screwed up cus i couldnt sleep without crying or being sad at home. I cant even stand being at home, cus home have the most memories with him.. He's everywhere in my home. Thats how much it hurts. But i just gotta be strong, for him, for myself and for my only regret...
Its only when something really serious happened, and have a serious impact in your life, then will you actually think through of everything in life. I know for a fact that i am actually clueless of what i really want in life, and thats pathetic. All my life, i've been so aimless, always just going with the flow.. I need to think about what i really want in life starting from now on.
Sometimes i feel like a bitch. There's this guy who've been there for me like 24/7 ever since i broke up with Ys. He's been there for me for every single thing, even though he knows that the feelings arent really mutual. Its like im just using him to occupy my time and forget the pain, but he doesnt mind. I know its wrong, cus besides Ys, i dont think i'll ever wanna love anyone else. Even though im touched by him, i know its wrong..but i just lead him on further and further. I feel so bad, but i just wanna numb myself and forget the pain first.
Im so sorry to alot of people, especially my baby. Im sorry im so weak, unable to protect you. Im sorry for being so dumb. Im sorry for alot of things, i wish i could take your place and just die.
Im so sorry.
Sent from mobile,
Alexa Angie